Bubble Bella
by FireFalconDeux
Summary: Because Bella obviously can't do ANYTHING for herself, Edward figures out how to keep her safe until they can stabbity James. Bella has other ideas. Crackfic, rated K. Beware the Edward bashing. Reviews are love, please do so. :D


_A/N: After losing my first account, I needed something to pick myself back up. So, I wrote this crackfic. Yes, I hate Edward. Blasphemy, I know. Please review, it only takes a few seconds, even if you don't have an account. :D Enjoy!  
_

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It was a rather difficult process convincing Bella to leave Forks.

They refused to let James have her, but the girl had made it clear that she would not leave on her own. It was a dilemma, but finally Edward… who always knew just the thing to do… persuaded her to leave.

Sort of.

"This is for your own good," he'd promised. "We all know you can't possibly make it out of this alive without us, and in a few days we'll have whipped that blond guy who has more sense than most of Forks put together. Then you can come back to this dump so we can continue our co-dependent and insipid relationship that is heading for devastation and a scene right out of Rosemary's Baby. I'll even drive like an asshole at two-hundred miles per hour during winter on solid ice and scare you shitless, like old times."

"Promise you love me?" Bella whimpered, her voice muffled.

"Of course I love you, you klutzy little ditz of a woman. Kiss kiss!"

And that had been that.

Three hours later, Alice opened the giant cardboard box and took out the bubble-wrapped Bella and laid her on the bed. Bella protested, but seeing as how she was wrapped head to toe in shipping material, it wasn't too much of a bother during the E.R marathon.

And of course, they followed the instruction Edward put in with her:

_'__Feed every three hours, gets indigestion.  
No more than a cup of food. Needs to lose weight.  
Nothing above 50 in temperature, quarter-sized bites.  
Prepackaged with 'Depends'.  
__**DO NOT RELEASE FOR ANY REASON.**__**'**_

But after a day or so of this, the two vampires got dreadfully bored. There was no more E.R, the only movies on were by Hallmark, and word had it a new club had opened in town with a giant pit of Sweet Tarts.

Mm, Sweet Tarts.

"Hey Bella," Alice called cheerfully from the doorway. "It's nighttime so we're gonna go out and have some fun! Please don't choke on your own spit while we're away! Bye!"

The door clicked shut.

Bella waited for a few minutes. When she was sure they were really gone, she quickly started worming across the bed, flailing her feet as she suddenly tipped off the side. Amazingly, by some miracle of the powers that be, she landed right side up. The second her feet touched the floor, she began her mission.

"Ptooeh," she spat, chewing madly at the bubblewrap that surrounded her head. Gnaw, chew, rip, spit. Gnaw, chew, rip, spit. Rise, lather and repeat until finally, there was a sizeable hole in the bubblewrap, which immediately served as her vantage point.

Now able to see, she shuffled from room to room, trying to find the phone. "Phone, phone, where's the phone," she muttered to herself nonsensically. Three days eating nothing but oatmeal and being incased in giant plastic air pockets can do horrible things to a person's sanity.

And then…

"THERE IT IS!" Bella screeched in joy, hopping over to the table where the phone sat. She wriggled her arms, trying to free them. Alas, all that her struggling earned her were a few half-hearted popping noises.

There wasn't much time. She had to act quickly! Bella kicked at the table, finally managing to knock it over. The phone bounced across the carpet, and positioning herself JUST right, Bella rocked backward before hurling herself forward onto the floor.

"Eeeeek!"

A loud bang filled the room as wads of bubblewrap popped all at once. Bella rolled about until finally, she managed to grab the phone with her teeth. She pulled it through the former peephole and contorted her mouth in all sorts of shapes, eventually getting the phone open.

Using her nose, she managed to dial 911. The phone rang, and a very bored-sounding woman picked it up. "'Ello?"

"You have to help me!" Bella whispered. "There's these vampires, and this other vampire tried to eat me, and then they got bubblewrap and… hello? HELLO?"

Nothing but a long, humming tone.

Bella felt like crying. Instead, she started to feverishly gnaw at the bubblewrap. If no one would help her get out, why, she'd CHEW herself out! That's right, show those big-toothed bastards who was boss!

Suddenly, the phone dingled. Bella whapped her head on it in an attempt to reach the 'accept' button. After three tries, a bruised forehead and a partially maimed cellphone, it worked.

"Hello?"

A familiar, sexily evil voice spoke up on the other side. "Hello, Bella. Th--"

"Oh hey, you! Thank GOD you called! I haven't peed in three days and I almost choked on plastic! Hey, hey, I got a question."

"… Erm."

"Do you have something that can cut through bubblewrap?"

"Uh… well…"

Alice and Jasper bounced up the steps of the hotel towards the room, singing a random Cher song. It had been two hours, and they would have stayed out clubbing longer, but Alice's watch had gone off signaling that it was time for Bella's oatmeal time.

"Bellaaaaa," Alice called, getting out her key. "We got you peach flavored oatmeaaaaal! Aren't you excit…" The door opened on its own, clearly having been kicked in. Alice gaped at the room as she wandered in. "What the…"

"Oh my shit," Jasper wailed. "The oatmeal!"

Yes, the oatmeal. The oatmeal was covering the walls, splattered about in what looked like a Picasso-inspired rage. The ceiling had not been spared, and empty oatmeal boxes carefully spelled the letters 'f' and 'u' on the floor. And behind the sofa, next to a now turned-over table… lay a pile of bubblewrap. The two slowly peered over the sofa.

"Uh oh."

Within the empty bubblewrap lay one pair of Depends, and the bright, hot pink note Edward had given them. All were stabbed through to the floor with a pair of sinister, black pinking shears, emblazoned with a tiny gold 'J'.

Alice delicately picked up the phone, it too covered in oatmeal, and dialed a numbed. "Hi, it's me. We have an emergency…" she peered at the note, and the three letters written upon it in smaller, neat handwriting.

_'LOL'_

"It escaped."


End file.
